I’m always late to the party – which is ok. I don’t really pride myself on being the first to know or even in the know with regards to what goes on in the world of celebrity gossip or pop culture. Since my news feed on both Instagram and Facebook was flooded with hilarious Beyonce and Jay Z memes, I decided to finally watch the video of Solange “attacking” Jay Z on the elevator. If you are looking for a serious hypothesis of what happened, why Beyonce didn’t do anything, or the double standard of a woman hitting a man, then please stop reading now. I just offer a comedic take on what I watched and some of the questions I had.
1) Why is the video over 3 minutes? They step onto the elevator from the 18th floor. Is this a human-powered pulley elevator? If I was the competitor, I would use this video as to why you should NOT buy an elevator from that company and why you should switch to my elevator company.
2) Has the security guard ever watched the show COPS? If so, why didn’t he just sit on her until the elevator came to a complete stop. Her dress was ugly and it was the end of the night – who cares if it got ruined. It seemed that after the initial scuffle he was only preoccupied with adjusting the cuffs on his shirt. This is a great opportunity for the shirt company. Don’t be surprised if you see this security guard turned model in an advertisement for shirts. The pitch could be something about the durability of the shirts.
3) Why wouldn’t the elevator door stay open? Jay Z stuck his foot in the door and it opened long enough to let some air in and it quickly closed. The security guard kept putting his hand in the door and yet it kept closing. Once again, I’m so over this elevator. Can someone please reset the timer for the door already???
4) Has the security guard ever been in an elevator before? Elevators are very elementary to operate. You simply push the number of the floor you want to visit. I will admit that L (Lobby), G (Ground), and (B) basement can be confusing because in some places there is no L button and one has to deduct that G is one and the same as L, but I digress. If you watch the video, you see the security guard extremely nervous pushing buttons hoping one of them would just make the elevator move faster and get the to the right floor so that they could get off the elevator as soon as possible. For a moment, I thought perhaps he was pressing numbers like some sort of morse code signalling distress.
If there is anyone to blame for this ‘fight’ it’s the security guard and the elevator company. Had the security guard been able to just push the right buttons and restrain Solange properly, the fight would not have been more than a few words. And if the elevator door would have stayed open longer, Solange would not have been able to get in some last-minute jabs.
5) Who was that woman with Jay Z? Obviously it wasn’t Beyonce. I’m convinced it was a hologram or a Beyonce meme robot. How else can you explain her lifeless body for almost 40 seconds in the corner of the elevator? Even I can’t help but to react at being accidentally bumped at the grocery store or on the train. It’s obvious the hologram/robot was only programmed to do a few things. I would suggest that whomever programmed the hologram/robot add in some defensive skills in the future.
6) What will come of this video? I bet that security cameras will start having sound in places where celebrities are known to frequent. Perhaps the security guard will get fired (I would fire him for the simple fact he couldn’t use an elevator). Most importantly – we will return to our regularly scheduled lives until the next celebrity scandal comes out and floods our news feed again:)
Of course for your viewing pleasure here is the video.