I took my fat a@@ to the gym

I took my fat a@@ to the gym

Finally, after years of absence, I signed up for a gym membership.  We have a lot of heavy-duty equipment in the house. However, I just can’t will myself to step on the treadmill or elliptical machine.  Tired of all the excess weight I’ve put on since 2012, I decided “enough is enough”.

While I have been slow to actually focus on my health, I can say that recent health issues have really kicked my a@@ into high gear with regards to taking better care of self.  I can honestly say that if I didn’t have a child, I would continue as normal. However, the thought of not being around for my daughter makes me sad and slightly depressed.  I could get hit by a bus tomorrow. Sure. However, the thought of dying young because I couldn’t stop drinking sodas is not something I can live with on a daily basis.

It took very little research to decide on a gym. Cheap was the only requirement.  I went online after reading a billboard advertising a new member deal and VOILA!  I’m officially a member of the gym.

It’s already hard enough to go to the gym, but to walk into the gym on the first day and have the customer service look at you like you have 2 heads really made me want to walk out of the door. I was met with a lukewarm greeting at the door and I had to ask for a tour after I indicated I joined online.  The tour was a big disappointment.  Locker room under construction. No locks for sale for the lockers. Restroom entrance has a big tarp covering it. “These are all aesthetics”, I say to myself. “You don’t need any of these things to work out”.  However I walked back out as quickly as I came in.

Day 1. Failure. I’ll come back when I have a lock for my stuff.

Day 2 (not sequential). I return back to gym as I received a text message that there was a problem with my payment.  Hmmmn – my bank shows a charge from your organization, how could there be a problem when you charged my card.  Patience. I must practice patience.  Card re-processed. Head to bathroom. Tarp on bathroom. Locker room still under construction. “These are all aesthetics”, I say to myself. “You don’t need any of these things to work out”.

This gym is the “Home of the Judgement Free Zone.” Yeah right.  Who are you kidding? I’m judging everyone in here and I haven’t even started 1 workout.  I’m looking at them and I KNOW they are looking at me.  I head over to an elliptical machine. About the same time, a girl jumps on to one next to me.  Phone in tow, without hands, she is going full force on that machine as if her life depended on it.  Meanwhile, I’m trying to balance myself as I’m looking for a safety harness while also pushing 5 different buttons trying to make the machine “go”!  WTF really? I felt like I needed a degree in computer science to work the machine.

After 10 minutes I literally thought I was going to die. Meanwhile girl next to me is not about to stop any time soon.  After cleaning the machine (I learned gym etiquette in my previous gym life),  I roamed the gym looking for my next target.  I settle on some leg machines. I watch the lady to my left and the lady to my right.  I had to perform minor gymnastics to even get into the machine.  Once on the machine, nothing. “How the Fu@K do you work this machine?” Ugh…I really don’t want to ask anyone, but I nervously ask the lady next to me and she briefly coached me.  Ok it’s working now – kind of.  After 5 minutes, I moved on. Treadmill it is.  Easy enough. No running for me as I’m an accident waiting to happen. 15 minutes and I’m done.  I walk out the gym slightly satisfied while also feeling like failure.

The next day I hate like a pig. There is always next week!

Do you have any quirky or funny gym stories?

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