Category Archives: Health and Beauty

Triggered by my Thyroid


In early April (2019), I went to the radiologist at a local hospital so that I could get a biopsy on my thyroid. The lump on my thyroid was growing and the doctors wanted to screen it for cancer. My overall anxiety was limited as I had several friends/family members with similar issues. In this short period of dealing with my thyroid, I learned that thyroid cancer is both treatable and survivable.

As my name was finally called for the appointment, I was led to a room at the end of the hallway facing the main entrance. The last time I went to the radiologist, at the same hospital, was to get my gallbladder examined (2016). During that procedure, I was standing up in a bright exam room – eye level with the medical staff.

This time was different.

At the end of the hallway, I was walked into a dark room with a bed in the middle. My mind immediately raced back to April of 2014 when I was led down the same hallway into a similar dark room. At that time, I was getting “proof” from the radiologists that my daughter, whom I was carrying in my uterus, was no longer living.

This was not the first time I thought about losing my daughter, but in that instant, while getting my thyroid checked, I was immediately triggered.
As I took my place in the bed and spoke to the 3 people in the room, I explained that I was not fearful of the thyroid procedure (mainly because I didn’t know what to expect). As the procedure began, I closed my eyes. There were A few instances, however, where I opened my eyes and glanced at the radiologist standing over and peering down on me. He said little, but his presence overpowered me and I felt extremely vulnerable while I was on display.

As cells were being extracted through several needle insertions into my neck, I started to recall the details of 2014 that I tried hard to push into the back of my mind… The technician was pressing my protruding belly while capturing images for the doctors. She spoke to others in the room using medical jargon. All eyes appeared to look through, rather than at me. Ultimately, they confirmed the demise of the fetus (as my medical records indicated). In those moments I recall my mother falling and crying. I, however, am in a state of shock that renders me initially emotionless (so much so that the doctor questioned my lack of emotion).

As my thyroid procedure comes to an end, my eyes water and eventually I cannot hold back my tears. The technician asks me if I am alright and makes small talk, “it wasn’t too bad was it?” Once I gathered my thoughts, I fumbled to explain that the last time I was in that room I had lost my baby.

I don’t know if it was the same room, but it felt like it was.

A year after Sophia died, I gave birth to another girl. While I often think about what could have been, I have a beautiful toddler that keeps me so busy that those traumatic moments rarely come to the surface in the way it did at the hospital that day. She and I talk about her sister, and we have visited the cemetery where she is buried. In a way, she has become a large part of my healing process. Not only do I have to get myself together on a daily basis to take care of her (even when I’m on my lest leg), my desire to live a long and healthy life is attributable to her.

The day after the exam the nurse from the doctor’s office called and said my tests results appeared fine, but they needed to run more tests. Those tests came back benign. For now, I get to keep my thyroid.

And this April, of 2019, I remember my little angel who would have been 5.

I took my fat a@@ to the gym

I took my fat a@@ to the gym

Finally, after years of absence, I signed up for a gym membership. We have a lot of heavy-duty equipment in the house. However, I just can’t will myself to step on the treadmill or elliptical machine. Tired of all the excess weight I’ve put on since 2012, I decided “enough is enough”.

While I have been slow to actually focus on my health, I can say that recent health issues have really kicked my a@@ into high gear with regards to taking better care of self. I can honestly say that if I didn’t have a child, I would continue as normal. However, the thought of not being around for my daughter makes me sad and slightly depressed. I could get hit by a bus tomorrow. Sure. However, the thought of dying young because I couldn’t stop drinking sodas is not something I can live with on a daily basis.

It took very little research to decide on a gym. Cheap was the only requirement. I went online after reading a billboard advertising a new member deal and VOILA! I’m officially a member of the gym.

It’s already hard enough to go to the gym, but to walk into the gym on the first day and have the customer service look at you like you have 2 heads really made me want to walk out of the door. I was met with a lukewarm greeting at the door and I had to ask for a tour after I indicated I joined online. The tour was a big disappointment. Locker room under construction. No locks for sale for the lockers. Restroom entrance has a big tarp covering it. “These are all aesthetics”, I say to myself. “You don’t need any of these things to work out”. However I walked back out as quickly as I came in.

Day 1. Failure. I’ll come back when I have a lock for my stuff.

Day 2 (not sequential). I return back to gym as I received a text message that there was a problem with my payment. Hmmmn – my bank shows a charge from your organization, how could there be a problem when you charged my card. Patience. I must practice patience. Card re-processed. Head to bathroom. Tarp on bathroom. Locker room still under construction. “These are all aesthetics”, I say to myself. “You don’t need any of these things to work out”.

This gym is the “Home of the Judgement Free Zone.” Yeah right. Who are you kidding? I’m judging everyone in here and I haven’t even started 1 workout. I’m looking at them and I KNOW they are looking at me. I head over to an elliptical machine. About the same time, a girl jumps on to one next to me. Phone in tow, without hands, she is going full force on that machine as if her life depended on it. Meanwhile, I’m trying to balance myself as I’m looking for a safety harness while also pushing 5 different buttons trying to make the machine “go”! WTF really? I felt like I needed a degree in computer science to work the machine.

After 10 minutes I literally thought I was going to die. Meanwhile girl next to me is not about to stop any time soon. After cleaning the machine (I learned gym etiquette in my previous gym life), I roamed the gym looking for my next target. I settle on some leg machines. I watch the lady to my left and the lady to my right. I had to perform minor gymnastics to even get into the machine. Once on the machine, nothing. “How the Fu@K do you work this machine?” Ugh…I really don’t want to ask anyone, but I nervously ask the lady next to me and she briefly coached me. Ok it’s working now – kind of. After 5 minutes, I moved on. Treadmill it is. Easy enough. No running for me as I’m an accident waiting to happen. 15 minutes and I’m done. I walk out the gym slightly satisfied while also feeling like failure.

The next day I ate like a pig. There is always next week!

Do you have any quirky or funny gym stories?